When we first got the Dora coloring book, it came to light that I, Mrs. CCB, had never seen an episode of Dora the Explorer. Mr. CCB was astonished. So one night, with a manic glint in his eye, Mr. CCB turned on Netflix and sat me down to watch an episode. Well, the joke was on him, because I only made it about ten minutes before I started threatening to stab my eyeballs out with a fork. We are consumers of highbrow children’s programming, such as Thomas the Tank Engine and Baby Einstein, so Dora completely flabbergasted me: where was the nuanced plot? the well-rendered visuals? And WHY WAS DORA SCREAMING AT ME?
I could not believe my ears. It’s like someone in the recording studio decided that pitch+volume+duration could only be better if all three were maxed out the entire episode. And the content! Why must Dora always be breaking the fourth wall? Why did she ask me to say mind-numbing things? And then say them louder?! If you can’t hear what people are saying, then get a goddamn hearing aid, Dora.
At any rate, I was thoroughly unimpressed, and I had a new understanding of why Mr. CCB and his siblings take special delight in making the cast of Dora suffer various unfortunate predicaments in the coloring book. I hope you burn, Dora,just like Mr. Cow-Face here.