Dora the Petsplorer

Every time I look at Dora’s backpack in the coloring book, all I can see is a great big tongue. You know what else is basically a great big tongue? A dog. Combine the two, and you have Dora shrieking with delight… not that she ever does anything else. Ugh.

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Darth Vader finds love

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The caption is what totally makes me go WTF here. Revenge for what? Are they rubbing it in the faces of those stodgy Jedi who oppose Sith marriage rights? Are they teaming up to dish out some Bonnie-and-Clyde-style justice on an enemy? Is one of them rashly getting married just to piss off their parents?

Any way you slice it, Palpatine makes one beautiful blushing bride.

 

Codependent Piglet

I really hate connect-the-dots activities. They always try to make you create round objects, which look horrible in the end because you’re drawing a series of straight lines, for god’s sake. You end up making some strange polygon out of a shape that was totally obvious to begin with. I mean, let’s have a show of hands here: have you ever genuinely thought, after connecting the last dot, “Whoa, that shape was totally NOT what I was expecting!” I didn’t think so.

The only thing left to do to a page like that is… corrupt it. I’ll be damned if The Man is going to tell me where to draw my lines.

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Dexter of Sesame Street

All right, now that we’ve lured you in with light and silly coloring pages, it’s time to pull out one of our more morbid ones. Thanks to our two young children, I am familiar with Ernie’s famous Rubber Ducky Song; thanks to Mr. CCB, that song is now horrifying. (YouTube song link here; I didn’t actually see the movie all the way through, so you’ll have to cross your fingers and hope there isn’t anything shady on there. Or hope that there is. Depends on how pervy you are). Suddenly, it is super easy to imagine the interlude going bad fast: “Hey, you want me to scrub behind your ears?” (frantic squeaking) “Oh wait, I can’t BECAUSE I JUST CUT OFF YOUR HEAD! Mwuhahahaha!”

 

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It’s a friend-eat-friend world out there

Personally, I think the caption should have been left alone, because it transforms this picture from a mere predator-eats-prey story into a tale of utter betrayal. Not only does the chicken cannibalize his unsuspecting buddy, but he has the gall to do it on Best Friends Day? That is messed up.

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Ursula goes south of the border

Today is Cinco de Mayo. Being white, I have not a single clue what the hell this holiday means, other than the excuse to drink all the cerveza and eat all the frijoles and pretend that you are all chummy with los gringos. Those are the Mexican ones, right? I dunno. The point is, Ursula has fallen under the spell.

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Slightly safer than lightsabers

Seriously, who comes up with these coloring book poses? If I were holding a lightsaber, this would be the absolutely last way I’d want to hold it. Not only is that an unwieldy position, but it is a great way to lose a buttcheek. So I made it much a less hazardous and much more therapeutic activity for Anakin– that Tatooine sand is itchy, yo.

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